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Silence: Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing.
The institutions of psychiatry, law enforcement, and goverment have proved that no matter what our resources, you cannot reliablyT control the conduct of CRAZY PEOPLE. It is not fair, but it is so.
– Gavin de Becker
The parking garage barrier gate lowers down behind my car, which feels ominous. It’s the sentiment that washes over once the safety bar locks onto your lap committing you to an upside down roller coaster. You can’t get out of it now without making a big scene. I pull up the ramp to find a parking spot. Where can I park that is closest to the elevator, closest to a safe entry and exit? Where will he park and how can I make sure he doesn’t see my car? I pull into a spot in between a truck and an SUV and inch my car a bit more forward. I turn off the ignition and just sit. I’m early and alone. My locked car feels like the safest place for me at the moment. Four breaths in, hold for seven, and back out for eight. Anxiety app on my iPhone. Check texts. Detaching myself from outcomes is my daily practice. My therapist has pointed out enough times that there are subtle differences within surrender. Mine has turned into one of learned helplessness at best. We have talked through the worst case enough times, that the self-talk, ‘if I lose all three of my children to parental alienation, at least I know I tried,’ has lost any shock to imagine.
Outside courtroom C-19, my attorney and I sit briefly at one of the tables. The chairs are stationary and bolted to the floor, where you are reminded that you can’t adjust anything to make yourself feel more comfortable. Mark, my attorney of five years, quickly reviews the line of questioning he has prepared for me. It looks brief and filled with factual details related to dates and therapy sessions. The questions are painstaking and I panic about having to remember dates, the number of therapy sessions, and how each step led us here. I can’t have any notes with me on the witness stand. What could I possibly have written on my hand anyway as a cheat sheet, like my family had suggested? Most of it is just stained on my heart in bruises. In blots of moments you would never imagine would be your last, or moments that you would just not ever imagine. The last time Ethan leaned his head on my shoulder while we waited in line to order a smoothie. The last time Ethan played his guitar and sang for me in our family room. The way it felt when his arms were twisted around my neck and through gritted teeth telling me I am a “stupid bitch” as he had heard his father say to me so many times.
I hand Mark a stack of papers hoping we can submit it as additional evidence to the court. Two photos of texting conversations between me and Greg. I think to myself that if the judge only gives us 5 minutes, how can I convey to her the gravity of what Greg has done to my son, and will never stop until he is successful with our daughters? During the period where there was still a chance to prevent Ethan from being alienated, Greg had written to me:
The kids are scared of you. It’s very simple. I’m not trying to do anything to you. Your penalties will come when the kids are free to make their own decisions. I can’t wait for that day. You should fear it. I know you secretly do.
When I compared the photo of the text Greg has placed in Ethan’s iPhone photo library to the one I had saved, I noticed that there was a deleted text in the photo on Ethan’s phone. It was my response to Greg:
I’m uncomfortable by the way you call me hateful names.
Mark explained that text messages are hearsay. There’s not enough time. I’m reminded again by my naïvete of the family law system. None of this evidence matters and the judge won’t give us the time anyway. At least she has the stacks of my letters and messages I have written to my son. I have never rejected him, in spite of what he is told. I have never stopped loving him. Although my letters reflect private words written to Ethan, sharing memories that have long since disappeared or been perverted by his father and his family, they are cheapened by being shared with an audience that will exploit, spin and twist everything. Four copies of everything. One set goes to Greg’s attorney.
It is nearly time for our case to be heard. The judge is tending to other matters with other families in the courtroom. I remind myself that I have learned to speak in front of groups of over 200 people for work and this is my chance to share my story. My ex-mother and father-in-law enter the courtroom. Seeing them elicits an extra heartbeat every time, one that feels like the flip of an old, sticky light switch, making a sharp click after a pause. His mother is a big woman, with stout legs. She is from the Bronx, which should be enough to intimidate a quiet California girl, but my visceral response to her is usually simplified to the nature of her smirk.
His parents sit down directly behind me, in spite of the open seats on the respondent’s side. Greg walks in and joins them with the stack of my letters in his arms. This is their moment; they have me alone and vulnerable. I hear the pages turning behind me and the insidious laughter begins. Greg nudges his mother, “Mom, you have to read this!” They snicker and whisper, “psycho…obsessed!” The judge recognizes us in the gallery. There is an armed bailiff standing only about 12 feet away from me. I want them to witness what is happening to me. I want the judge to look at me so that I can convey to her through my eyes that I just want help. Nothing. All I can do is sit quietly, helplessly. What is there left to do to me? I’m going through the motions of breathing in and out, but my soul has been floating under water long before today.
Parental Alienation Awareness Day – Bubbles of Love Day
Today is Parental Alienation Awareness Day: Bubbles of Love. Bubbles represent the love that always rises above and is the answer. This is a devastating phenomenon that can happen to any loving parent. Although it is more commonly seen in the context of divorce, it can even manifest in intact families.
Have a conversation with somebody about Parental Alienation today. Read about it. Join a Facebook group. Reach out and offer support if you know someone going through it. Target parents suffer the worst kind of grief as it is a living death.
Key pieces to know about Parental Alienation: It is when a once loving relationship between a parent and child is destroyed systematically by the other parent using a series of brainwashing tactics. The purpose is to use the child as a tool to hurt the other parent, whether it is conscious or subconscious. In order for it to be considered a Parental Alienation Syndrome and not simply Estrangement is that there can be no justified cause for the child’s rejection of the Target parent. It happens to both mothers and fathers. The most vulnerable age for a child to succumb to it is from about 10-13. There are different levels of severity of alienating behaviors – naive, active, and obsessed. The obsessed alienator usually has a personality disorder (narcissistic, borderline, antisocial). Children who grow up and eventually realize what has happened to them suffer enormously. They will struggle with guilt, depression, and even have a 50% chance of experiencing the same thing with their own children. The family law courts, mental health professionals, and attorneys are still in the early stages of understanding Parental Alienation or what to do about it, which is whey there is a growing epidemic of parental alienation. The more understanding that we can build through education, the better chance we have that we can contain this form of abuse and hopefully one day eliminate it altogether.
Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up
Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up.
(Reblogged from: http://parentalalienationsupport.com/2011/11/20/letting-go-when-alienated-parents-give-up/)
When a parent endures parental alienation, various emotions materialize. Some are angry and others feel helpless. On the other hand, a number of rejected parents evolve into dedicated empowered advocates, but just as many are depleted both physically and financially. Some parents may ask, when do I let go? Clearly, alienated parents (also known as rejected parents) are grieving parents. In 2002 Dr. Richard Gardner wrote, “For some alienated parents the continuous heartache is similar to living death.” Sadly, for many rejected parents, the sorrow never ends.
Most are familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grieving. First is Denial. Denial is not recognizing reality. As noted by Dr. Gardner (2002), denying reality is obviously a maladaptive way of dealing with a situation. In fact, denial is generally considered to be one of the defense mechanisms, mechanisms that are inappropriate, maladaptive, and pathological. Obviously, it is hard to deny that one is a rejected parent. However, at times, it may seem easier to deny that the situation is not real. To deal with the unreal, some parents may resign. Studies indicate that some rejected parents, similar to survivors of domestic violence, become passive. (Kopetski, 1998).
Anger is another stage of the grieving process. However, underlying anger is hurt and a loss of power and a loss of control over a situation or an event. Unquestionably, alienated parents become angry as their cases are dismissed and their cause is mocked. Third, is bargaining. As an example, a bargaining parent may believe if they try hard enough, or say the right thing, his or her child will suddenly have a change of heart. Fourth is depression. Self-blame, hopelessness, and despair consumes their thoughts. The fifth stage, is acceptance. Clearly, rejected parents do not happily accept their plight, but they may be forced to give up “the fight.” That is, some may cho0se to loosely let go.
It is vital though, to consider what letting go signifies. Letting go is not to cut oneself off, it’s the realization that one person can’t control another. As applied to parental alienation, one cannot force an ex-spouse to cease his or her hate campaign. Secondly, letting go is not to deny, but to accept. Acceptance is realizing that some ex-spouses refuse to co-parent. Some alienating parents intend to turn the child against the other parent–permantely. They stop at nothing. One study depicts this unfortunate, but true, reality, “a minority of parents who suffer from personality and mental disorders may ignore the court and spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially” ( Jaffe et al. 2010). Yes; you may realize that you, or a loved one, are in the minority.
Parents may also have to accept that they may be blamed for the rejection– blamed not only by family and friends, but blamed by society. No one likes to point fingers these days, after all; it is socially unacceptable. As noted by Dr. Richard Warshak (2011), attributing a parent-child problem to both parents, when one parent is clearly more responsible for destructive behavior, is a misguided effort to appear balanced and avoid blame.
When to let go? First and foremost; it is personal. Dr. Warshak’s book, Divorce Poison (2010), notes that the parent may see no viable option other than to let go of active attempts to overcome the problem. As a caveat, he notes, “I just urge all alienated parents and relatives, and all therapists who work with these families, not to wave the white flag of surrender too soon.” He offers seven suggestions about the possibility of letting go. One suggestion is when all legal channels to improve the situation have been exhausted.
Some parents, unfortunately, have discovered the aforementioned exhaustion. As Dr. Amy Baker reported, “alienating parents did not respect the court orders, the attorneys were not interested in or able to force the alienating parent into compliance. Apparently, once the alienating parent determined that this was the case, noncompliance became the order of the day.” Rejected parents know all too well, that non compliance works. A second suggestion by Dr. Warshak is when, “your ex is so disturbed that a continuing battle could provoke him or her to violent action against the children or against you or other members of your family.” Clearly, not all rejected parents have the funding to continue the battle.
As a conclusion, should you come into contact with a rejected parent it may be helpful to offer grace for his or her grief. Each and every rejected parent differs in his or her stage of sorrow. They will also display unique feelings. Some may feel discouraged, dejected, and depressed. Or, others may feel angry and outraged. If the parent recently read about parental alienation, and discovered there is a name to the irrational rejection; they may feel relieved. Perhaps, they are baffled, broken, and bewildered. If they have pleaded with the courts for 15 years, they may feel helpless and guarded. When their families blame them, they may become withdrawn and detached. Regardless of the stage or feeling(s) that accompany the pain of parental alienation, rejected parents require empathy, exultation, and esteem.
Don’t Jump into the Quicksand with your Alienated Child. Stand Firm and Reach out Your Hand Instead.
Don’t Jump into the Quicksand with your Alienated Child. Stand Firm and Reach out Your Hand Instead.
You have been traumatized and continue to be traumatized. But now what? Dr. Craig Childress does a great job of not only validating what you are experiencing, which helps us to normalize what we go through and make it less personal, but offers 9 ways to help us cope. The most poignant and illustrative sentence to me was that your child is in quicksand. You can’t jump in to save him or her. You must keep your feet firmly planted on the ground and extend your hand. There will come a day when the courts, attorneys, and mental health professionals will lend a hand as well. Until then, your primary task is to rescue yourself from the trauma. I will share some other useful links at the bottom of this post. Below is a brief version of Dr. Childress’s blog. For the full version, click here:
http://drcraigchildressblog.com/2015/04/03/coping-with-the-trauma-of-parental-alienation/
Coping with the Trauma of Parental Alienation
Published April 3, 2015
Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857
Enduring the experience of attachment-based “parental alienation” represents a profound form of trauma inflicted on targeted parents.
False Drama
The processes of attachment-based “parental alienation” essentially involves a false drama created by the narcissistic/(borderline) parent as an echo of the childhood trauma that created this parent’s personality pathology. In the narrative of this false drama, the narcissistic/(borderline) parent authentically believes that the targeted parent represents an “abusive” threat to the child, and that the supposedly “victimized child” requires the protection of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent.
But none of this false drama is true. It is delusional. The parenting of the targeted parent is entirely normal range, and the child is in no danger and doesn’t need any “protection.” It is a false narrative born in the childhood relationship trauma of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent.
These trauma themes from the childhood of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent are brought to life once more in the trauma reenactment narrative, and are delivered into the experience of the targeted parent.
The psychological trauma of attachment-based “parental alienation” is an abuse inflicted by the narcissistic/(borderline) parent onto the targeted parent (by means of the child). It could almost be considered a form of psychological domestic violence. Domestic violence and attachment-based “parental alienation” are simply different manifestations of abuse inflicted by a narcissistic personality onto the other spouse.
The trauma themes of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent’s childhood are being created into the experience of targeted parent. The targeted parent is being made to experience the emotional and psychological abuse, the immense suffering, and the helpless victimization, that was part of the childhood trauma experience of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent.
The suffering of the targeted parent created by the re-initiated and transferred childhood trauma experience of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent, is both deep and unending, just as it was for the narcissistic/(borderline) parent as a child. There is no escape. The targeted parent is helpless to make the abuse and suffering end.
For the targeted parent, attachment-based “parental alienation” represents a “complex trauma” of profound magnitude. Suffering without end – trapped, and helpless.
Coping with the Trauma
The targeted parent must find a way to process and cope with the trauma experience.
In your suffering, you must strive to achieve the triumph of light over the darkness of trauma. You must find your way out of the trauma experience being inflicted upon you, and into a recovery of your authentic psychological health and balance.
As much as you may want to save your child, you cannot rescue your child from the quicksand by jumping into the quicksand with them. If, in trying to rescue your child from quicksand you jump into the quicksand as well, you will simply both perish.
In order to rescue your child from the quicksand of “parental alienation,” you must have your feet firmly planted on the shore, steady in your own emotional and psychological health, and then extend your hand to retrieve your child.
Even then, your child may not grasp your hand. You will need the support of mental health and the courts, and we’re working on that. For your part, you must strive to find your freedom from the imposed trauma experience. You must strive to find and keep your own emotional and psychological health within the immense emotional trauma of your grief and loss.
The trauma experience captivates the psychology of the targeted parent. The world of the targeted parent revolves entirely around the trauma experience of the family’s pathology. The difficult and challenging relationship with the hostile-rejecting child; the chaos of trying to work with the narcissistic/(borderline) parent to schedule visitations; the blatant and repeated disregard of court orders by the narcissistic/(borderline) parent; and the continual intrusions and disruptions by the narcissistic/(borderline) parent into the relationship of the targeted parent with the child, continually consume the focus of the targeted parent.
Repeated court dates, lawyers, therapists, custody evaluations, that all occur in the context of continuing parent-child conflict, act to fully captivate the complete psychological involvement of the targeted parent.
And in this upside-down world, the targeted parent is continually being blamed for the child’s rejection, even though the targeted parent did nothing wrong.
“You must have done something wrong if your child doesn’t want to be with you.”
Your beloved child is being taken from you, and no one understands. No one helps.
The emotional and psychological trauma and profound grief of attachment-based “parental alienation” consumes the life and psychology of the targeted parent.
You must find your freedom from this trauma.
The emotional trauma inflicted on the targeted parent is severe, and the grief of the targeted parent is deep. The challenge of the targeted parent is to once more find the light of their joy amidst the darkness of their grief and loss.
We are working to solve mental health, so that mental health will understand and will help you.
Once mental health becomes your ally, we will work to solve the courts, so that the courts too will understand and will help you.
Here are nine ways that targeted parents who are caught in the trauma of attachment-based “parental alienation” can recover and restore their emotional health and balance. The basic ideas for this list are drawn from an article by Belle Beth Cooper in which she cites the various scientifically supported methods for increasing happiness.
- Practice Smiling
The physical and emotional systems in the brain are interconnected. We can create a small dose of any emotion by acting as if we had that emotion.
We smile when we’re happy. But it also works in reverse. We become happier when we smile.
When we smile, we create a small dose of the happy feeling.
The more we smile, the more we canalize the brain systems for being happy.
Smiling is especially useful when something makes us angry. Adding happy to angry softens our anger. Instead of becoming caught up in anger and frustration, when you smile at the same time as you’re angry, you’ll begin to laugh at the absurdity of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent’s all-too-predictable crazy. As soon as you see that email from them in your inbox, smile. Instead of the painful wince of “Oh dear God, not again.” you will begin to experience a relaxed and bemused, “Really? Again?”
- Meditate
Meditation is the surest way of bringing emotional peace and balance.
There are a wide variety of meditative practices. Try out different types. There are sitting meditations of inner thought. There are moving meditations of integrated flow. There are breathing meditations of relaxation. Try out different ones. Some won’t fit for you, but others might. See if one fits for you.
One of the most common forms of meditation is to simply sit in a quiet area and let go of each thought as it comes. Mind will continually offer sentences, our thoughts, that capture us. This type of meditation is simply the active letting go of being captivated by the thought.
Let the thoughts come… and let them go. Don’t follow them. Just let them go. The next one comes… let it go. The next one come comes… let it go. Ooops, thoughts can be so tricky, so captivating, and you find you’ve been caught by one and have wound up following a line of thought. That’s okay. When you become aware of it, simply let it go. Then let go of the next thought. The next thought will come, and let it go too. Soon, mind will quiet. Peace arrives.
Another form of meditative practice is to repeat in your mind or out loud certain sounds, called “mantras.’ These sounds quiet the mind.
A particularly wonderful and relaxing form of meditation is to focus on developing a rhythmic flow of breath. The inhales and exhales of your breath become deep and circular. Mind turns off as we flow into our breathing.
There are also physically active forms of meditation, such as yoga, tai chi, and qigong. These forms of meditation are especially wonderful. They achieve a profound peace through the active integration of personal being with movement and the body.
- Spend Time with Friends and Family
The trauma of “parental alienation” can justifiably consume the life focus of targeted parents. The beloved child is being distorted or has been lost entirely. What could be more important than that?
Yet being consumed into the trauma is not healthy. You cannot rescue the child by jumping into the quicksand as well. You must stand on the shore of your own emotional and psychological health so that, when the time comes, you can reach out your hand to rescue the child.
Your challenge is to live into your emotional and psychological health, and not allow yourself to be consumed by the trauma, so that when the time comes you can reach out your hand to recover your child.
- Sleep
Make sure you get enough sleep.
Sleep is a basic rhythm of our lives. Disruptions to our sleep create imbalances in the brain chemistry that can lead to increased stress and emotional exhaustion.
One of the most important aspects of achieving balanced sleep is establishing a routine surrounding our sleep. This is called our sleep hygiene.
Make sure your bed is comfortable and use it only for sleeping, not for reading, or watching television, or working on the computer or tablet. Disconnect yourself from television and the computer at least 30 minutes before bedtime. Allow your brain time to relax and get ready for sleep. Brush your teeth, change into your bedclothes, read a book or a magazine in a nice comfortable chair or sofa. Nurture yourself by getting ready for the beautiful relaxation of sleep. Allow yourself to rest before you ask yourself to sleep.
- Help Others
In his book “The Art of Happiness,” the Dalai Lama said,
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
When we help others, we find our own happiness.
The trauma of “parental alienation” draws you inward into your pain and suffering. Giving to others expands you into life and returns you to the human community.
- Practice Gratitude
Even though you may be excluded from the day-to-day knowledge of your child’s experiences, your child is still living into his or her life, and you can still take joy with them in this knowledge, even if you don’t know the specifics.
Your child is bright, and beautiful, and healthy. He or she has a life to live, struggles and triumphs to experience and master. You may not know specifically what they are, but your love shares them as surely as if they were your own. Foster your gratitude for your child’s magnificence, even if the pathology of the other parent seeks to inflict suffering on you through your love for your child. Your child is still wonderful.
Find the thousand things in your life for which you are grateful. Break free from the trauma and reenter the magnificent world that surrounds you. The darkness seeks to injure you, to crush you in the trauma of abuse. Don’t let it. Find the expansive light of life’s riches. Your suffering is real, but it does not need to define you.
- Plan a Trip
When we plan a trip, we become happy. Taking the trip can be nice, but we are happiest when we are planning the trip. Planning a trip draws us into life. It gives us something to look forward to with eager anticipation.
The grief and frustration of “parental alienation” traps you into the trauma reenactment. You cannot escape, you are helpless, you must simply endure the emotional and psychological abuse of “parental alienation.” In your helplessness, the trauma themes from the childhood of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent are being transferred into you. You cannot escape the abuse. You are trapped. You are being abused. This is the trauma.
Fight back. Escape. Get away. Until we achieve the help of mental health there is no solution to the tragedy of attachment-based “parental alienation. But don’t allow yourself to be trapped by the trauma. Plan a trip. Where are you going to go? What are you going to do there? What will you see? What adventures will you have? Get away.
- Go Outside
Nature is healing. Feel the sun on your face. Stare up at the stars in wonder. Surround yourself with trees. Hike in the mountains. Listen to the ocean waves crashing on the shore. Take a nap on a Sunday afternoon by the banks of river or stream. Nature is healing.
Pack a picnic and go to the local park. Take a morning walk or an evening stroll. Sit on your porch and watch the world go by. Be outside.
- Exercise
The emotional and psychological stress of attachment-based “parental alienation” is profound. The type of psychological trauma in attachment-based “parental alienation” is called “complex trauma.” It’s different from the PTSD type of trauma experienced by combat veterans. The PTSD type of trauma involves intense periods of hyper-arousal that cannot be processed by the brain. Complex trauma is not as intense but we are exposed to it for longer. Complex trauma is an unrelenting stress for days, months, years; exhausting the brain chemistry until there is no psychological coping capacity left.
Stress finds a home in our bodies. Exercise cleanses us of the stress chemicals created by sadness and anger. Not only does exercise cleanse us of the toxic stress chemicals, exercise also releases brain chemicals that feel good. We feel stronger, healthier, and happier when we exercise… and we sleep better.
Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857
http://drcraigchildressblog.com/2015/04/03/coping-with-the-trauma-of-parental-alienation/
Links to help you not only survive, but thrive:
Mantras:
http://leftbrainbuddha.com/mantras-lets-get-control/
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-simple-mantras-to-help-you-stay-positive-and-happy/
Planning your next trip:
Meditation:
Dr. Deepak Chopra’s Top 8 Meditation Tips
Introduction to Meditation
Sleep Help:
Sleep hygiene practices
http://sleepfoundation.org/ask-the-expert/sleep-hygiene
Relaxation techniques and sleep hygiene for Insomnia
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0072504/
Nature/Exercise/Community:
Join your local hiking Meet Up group
SOS Emergency Response: 7 Tips to Survive Parental Alienation
Understanding these 7 things will change the way you look at what has happened to your family.
1. ‘The Opposite of Love is Not Hate.’
– Elie Wiesel
If your child appears to hate you
there’s a good chance he/she still loves you.
2. Be Patient. And Then Be More Patient Than That.
Authentic, unconditional love stands the test of time, while ‘love’ built from fear, or conditional love is unlikely to survive. Knowing this may help you practice the patience that will lead you and your child back together. Being ‘patient til even patience tires of [your] patience’ without developing bitterness is the challenge. To help you sustain this degree of patience, find a therapist who is well versed in parental alienation so that you may come up with a long term plan together.
3. Get a Thick Skin. “It takes an extraordinarily resilient person to be able to weather the alienation of one’s children without feeling depressed.” (Working with Alienated Children and Families: A Clinical Guidebook) So, build up your coping skills; you will need them more than ever. Some things that typical adults do when stressed are: pray, exercise, remove yourself from a stressful situation, spend time with pets, talk to a trusted friend, practice mindfulness, and/or meditate. Eat like you’re training for the Olympics. That’s not to say to overeat – but eat well to help sustain you. Most importantly in building up your “Tough IQ,” don’t take things personally, especially if your ex has a personality disorder, which is highly likely. Meanwhile, download this app to help you cope with anxiety: http://anxietyreleaseapp.com Listen to these free podcasts to help you cope with your grief. Does Clint Eastwood look like he is anxious or worried? Being tough means transforming from a victim to a warrior. https://healthy.kaiserpermanente.org/health/care/!ut/p/a0/FchBDoMgEADAt_iAzYZEYfFmhH6hhdsGiZIIGELt99seZ9DjC33hO-3cUy18_uxCLD22md9bqnCnLVZ8okd_Nd4zoysVAocj_o9bT-GM6IzVap2MBamlBCGsgEWPBohoUkKp8UErXjnTZxmGL2IKPpI!/
4. Knowledge in Action is Everything Educate yourself about parental alienation. I try to simplify as much of it here on my blog, but there are many, many other resources for you. Start with Richard Warshak’s Divorce Poison, which you can download via Amazon Kindle or even check out at your library. Educate yourself about personality disorders since they play a large role in severe cases of parental alienation. The most frequent types of personality disorder that alienating parents have are Cluster B ones, or the dramatic type (narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic). Alienating parents tend to be both narcissistic and/or antisocial, but they can demonstrate characteristics of all Cluster B as well. http://www.sevencounties.org/poc/view_doc.php?id=564 People with Cluster B personality disorders have “intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, or behavioral impulsiveness.” One helpful tool when communicating with the alienating parent is to keep it strictly BIFF: Brief, Informative, Factual, Friendly. I like to add and ‘N‘ for Necessary in front of BIFF to make it N-BIFF. Before you write your BIFF email, text, or letter to the alienating parent, first ask yourself whether or not it is necessary. Although narcissists tend to hate to be ignored, many times they will try to hook you and engage you with whatever means possible. Just because they initiate an interaction, does not mean a response from you is necessary. A great website with useful tips in dealing with a narcissistic parent is Tina Swithin’s: https://onemomsbattle.com Lastly, take a parenting class. Not only will this better prepare you in the case of a custody reversal, but it will be highly regarded by any judge. A good place to start is: http://www.breakthroughparenting.com/help-for-parents.htm 
5. Have Hope Hold onto hope that one day your child will not only realize what has happened, but that you will restore a relationship. It’s normal to have moments or periods where you feel like giving up. Just know that it is a law of the universe that we manifest what we focus on and what we believe. What you spend your time thinking and picturing expands and grows. Making a vision board that reflects these 7 key principles to remember can help you stay focused and maintain a greater sense of hope. Here’s how to get started with your own vision board: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/manifest-your-dreams-how-to-build-a-vision-board/ 
6. Be Happy. Sometimes target parents experience feelings of guilt about being happy. Or target parents think that if they suffer enough, their child will magically return. It is more helpful for your child to see you happy and know that there is a safe, positive environment to come back to. Being happy means to be in the moment. There will still be grief, but there is joy in the midst of it. 
7. Don’t Let Yourself Become Isolated. Find support from friends and family. Be careful not to choose friends/family who play both sides of the field. Oftentimes, the alienating parent’s goal is to cultivate your own friends as his supporters. That said, even your friends will struggle to understand what is happening in your family. You will need the support of those who just get it. Join a support group, such as the International Support Network for Alienated Families for that kind of understanding. http://isnaf.info Meanwhile, it wouldn’t hurt to ask your friends and family to educate themselves about PAS so that they can better support you.
Say THIS To Your Alienated Child. Don’t Say THAT!
https://waiting4ethan.wordpress.com
Whether your child is at risk for alienation or the alienation process has been completed, follow these principles and scripts to either help prevent your child from succumbing to this form of emotional abuse or to set the stage for a future recovery and reunification. In the case that you no longer have access to your child in person, the same concepts still apply to your letters, emails, text messages, and/or voicemail messages.
WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD:
1. Demonstrate unconditional love.
SAY: “I will always love you. I will always be your [mother/father].”
”Be aware of the trade off of your unconditional love. Your child may continue to reject you because they know you will always be there, while the AP’s love is conditional. In the long term the hope is that the child will understand the difference.”
2. Let your child know there is another perspective and that you are willing to talk with them about it when he/she is ready.
SAY: For a younger child, “This is not an accurate picture of what took place.”
SAY: For an older child, “I know that you want to find out what the truth is, and the way you relate this story is not accurate. Would you be willing to sit down with me and hear the truth as I see it?”
SAY: “I understand that you feel I am putting my needs above yours and your other parent’s; however, there’s another way to view the situation. I would be glad to discuss this with you and to let you know why I acted the way I did.”
3. Encourage critical thinking skills.
Even though the child may hear bad things about one of his/her parents, encourage your child to think for himself/herself. Demonstrate your thought process out loud for your child over benign topics.
Read these books with your child:
“Boys and Girls Book About Divorce” (1985) Richard Gardner
“I Don’t Want to Choose” (2008) Andre and Baker
4. When your child shares his/her false allegations about you, use empathy in your response.
SAY: “Wow, that must be sad for you to think I ________.”
More important than negating the facts is making your child feel warm, safe, and comfortable to share anything with you.
SAY: “I see this situation differently than you but I do not want to spend our time together arguing about it.”
When things are calm, you can sparingly “introduce [your] perspective into the conversation.”
Make explanatory retorts short and simple and don’t devote significant time to them.
5. When child is abusive to you, remain calm and set firm boundaries.
SAY: “I’ll always love you but I will not be abused by you.”
You can also can “review and reframe” your child’s behavior by “sharing a viewpoint that expresses empathy and respect for others.”
6. Make sure to include child in problem-solving any conflicts that come up to reduce tension.
The alienating parent wants to induce conflict between you and your child so that he/she won’t want to spend time with you.
SAY: “It seems that we have a disagreement about _____, what do you think we can do about _____?”
7. During difficult custodial exchanges:
SAY lovingly, but firmly,”I can see that you’re upset, but this is our time to be together. You will be back with your [mother/father] as scheduled.”
WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD:
1. Do not retaliate by bad mouthing the other parent. Do take the higher road.
2. Do not tell your child that he/she is being manipulated or deceived. It backfires and may make him/her more resentful.
3. Do not NOT communicate by becoming passive or withdrawn from your child.
4. Do not lash back when provoked by your child with false allegations.
5. Don’t dwell on whether or not the child’s allegation is true or not.
6. Don’t refute every allegation by the child.
WHAT TO SAY TO PEOPLE IN YOUR COMMUNITY:
Dealing with the humiliation of your child rejecting you among the community. Be very careful with whom you share information with, lest you receive the wrath of the AP and child. Per Amy Baker, you can have a script to respond to other parents who ask about the situation:
SAY: “The situation is very complicated.”
SAY: “My child is really struggling right now with some personal issues.”
REFERENCES:
(Note: Most of these scripts are provided either verbatim or slightly revised from the references below.)
Working with Alienated Children and Families: A Clinical Guidebook. Edited by Amy J. L. Baker & S. Richard Sauber. With chapters by Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine; William and Lorna Goldberg; Karen Lebow; Jack Weitzman; and Linda Gottlieb.
Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind, Amy J. L. Baker.
The American Journal of Family Therapy. 27:195-212, 1999
Family Therapy of the Moderate Type of Parental Alienation Syndrome RICHARD A. GARDNER Department of Child Psychiatry, College of Physicians and Surgeons, Columbia University, New York, New York, USA
23 Parts to Programming Your Child
Understanding Brainwashing in the Context of Parental Alienation:
Brainwashing is something we normally think of when we talk about a cult or prisoners of war, but is something far less abstract and distant than what most people think and happens in homes around the world. What is brainwashing? In the world of psychology, it is also referred to as thought reform, with its source
being social influences. It’s a way to change someone’s beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. “Brainwashing is a severe form of social influence that combines…[compliance, persuasion, and education]… to cause changes in someone’s way of thinking without that person’s consent and often against his will.” (http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/brainwashing.htm)
- Compliance – behavior changes
- Persuasion – attitude changes
- Education – is considered the “propaganda method” or teaching one’s own distorted “truth”
Brainwashing has been studied since 1929 by Mao Tse-tung, the leader of the Chinese Communist party – who called it “thought struggle” – to 1951 by the CIA who developed their own mind-conrol research with a program called MKULTRA.
Esteemed expert on the topic of parental alienation, Amy J.L. Baker wrote, “The Cult of Parenthood: A Qualitative Study of Parental Alienation (2004),” where adult survivors of alienation “described their parents in much the same terms that cult leaders are described.” She concludes in her paper that, “these parents required excessive devotion and utilized a range of strategies in order to cultivate their children’s dependence on them.”
In spite of a well-established body of research on the culmination of brainwashing children (parental alienation), the professional community is slow to catch up to the research. Therapists will say, “don’t you think that if a child could be brainwashed that all parents would be able to get their children to do their homework?”
Clearly, there is a considerable lag between what is known about brainwashing children today and the generalization of professional expertise in this area. While the U.S. military teaches soldiers about brainwashing in their training with the understanding that knowledge about the process makes it less effective, parents whose children are at risk for being brainwashed must arm themselves sooner than later with this information to help prevent it.
In Dr. Richard’s book, “Divorce Poison,” chapters 5 and 6 outline the “Alienating Environment” and “The Corruption of Reality” of brainwashing within the family, respectively. These pre-requisites and tactics unveil the secret ways that parents are able to successfully turn one child (without legitimate cause) against the other parent.
PREREQUISITES TO BRAINWASHING:
(Programming parents need be effective in at least one of these measures, with the objective being to create psychological dependence and to prevent exposure to competing views of reality.)
- Isolation: Parents who have the most access to the children tend to be more effective at the brainwashing, but this is not a pre-requisite. Parents with little access can also alienate their children. (See my post: https://waiting4ethan.wordpress.com/2015/02/27/whose-fault-is-alienation-the-gender-question). The alienator will sabotage visits with the other parent one way or another to reduce their time, restrict communication, and screen phone calls. Gradually, the time the child spends with the Target Parent is reduced to zero. Isolation leads the child to becoming more and more dependent on the alienating parent. The negative messages about the Target Parent eventually become ‘the truth’ because there is no access to people who can offer the child any competing views.
- Stripping: The emotional and symbolic connection with the Target Parent is broken through stripping. The child is ‘stripped’ of any reminders of the Target Parent, whether physical (photos, gifts received from the Target Parent) or simply conversational.
- Fear: The Favored Parent demonstrates aggressive behavior, lashes out at the Target Parent in front of the child. The child does not want to become the next target. To the child, it is ‘safer’ to choose the parent who is abusive. In some cases, the child has also been a victim of abuse (aside from the alienation efforts) from the alienating parent.
- Age: While Dr. Warshak doesn’t list age as a prerequisite factor in Chapter 5, he does point out in his book “Divorce Poison” that children ages 9 to 12 are the most susceptible to alienation.
OVERT AND COVERT TACTICS:
- Names: Alienators will encourage the child to use the Target Parent’s first name, signifying that the Target Parent does not deserve the respect that accompanies being a parent. The child may also hear the Target Parent referred to as a “witch” or other perjorative labeling that the child will use the same terminology.
- Repetition: Per Dr. Amy J. L. Baker, the alienator will repeatedly (overtly or covertly) convey to the child the that “basically that parent doesn’t really love you, they’re not really around, they’re not really doing anything to take care of you and in some cases, the message is that person is dangerous.” “In fact, studies have found that if just one person repeats the same opinion three times, it has a whopping 90 percent chance of converting three different people in the group to have the same opinion.” http://www.cracked.com/article_21309_6-incredible-ways-you-can-use-words-to-brainwash-people.html
- Selective Attention: This tactic is a “potent image shaping tool” whereby the alienator capitalizes on the child’s natural mixed feelings (all healthy children have mixed feelings about both parents) of the Target Parent by selectively magnifying the minor negative thought the child may have had and making it into a reason worthy of rejecting the other parent. At the same time, the alienator will intentionally leave out any mention of positive aspects of the Target Parent. This tactic can be obvious, or very calculatingly subtle. “While braiding her daughter’s hair, a mother asked, “Does Daddy do this for you?” (pg. 154 Divorce Poison)
- Judging Behavior out of Context: This tactic is a way to train the child to misinterpret the Target Parent’s behavior to always support the message that the parent does not love the child, is unavailable, and is unsafe. The Target Parent who is working long hours and cannot take time off from work to come to the child’s sporting event is judged by the alienator to the child as selfish and unloving.
- Exaggeration: The Target Parent who has started to date occasionally is portrayed to the child in an exaggerated way, e.g., preoccupied with men/women. Exaggerated messages that are repeated enough times will become integrated into the growing distortion of the Target Parent.
- Lying: Blatant lies may be told particularly if the child has been resistant to the brainwashing tactics described above. “Though such behavior is common among psychotic parents who have lost touch with reality, it also occurs among less disturbed people.” (Divorce Poison, Ch. 6)
- Revisionist History: The alienator devalues the formerly warm, close relationship the child and Target parent have/had. The alienator will review the pre-divorce family life with the child in the terms that supports the alienator’s distorted view. Especially if isolated from the Target Parent, the child will gradually adopt this revised family history, sometimes to the point that the child demonstrates a form of amnesia.
- Suggestions, Innuendos, and Implications: These are the more sneaky and subtle ways to program the child that can be especially potent and more difficult to prove. Dr. Amy J. L. Baker provides a good example of this category in an interview. Dr. Baker explains that, “It’s the trick that the alienating parent — one of their strategies — is that they send their kids for visitation trying to have a big fight with the targeted parent. The targeted parent often takes the bait and then they end up spending the whole visitation fighting with their kids. Then, the kid leaves and goes, “Mom’s right! Dad is unsafe. All he did was yell at me all weekend.” http://www.pvmhmr.org/82-parenting/article/14784-wise-counsel-interview-transcript-an-interview-with-amy-j-l-baker-phd-on-parental-alienation
- Exploitation: The alienator will support and encourage the child’s efforts to denigrate and disrespect the Target Parent. It is another expression of alienation.
- Projection: An Alienator’s repeated accusations about the Target parent that have no basis in reality are actually self-descriptive. Don’t dismiss cues of projection just because it seems too obvious. These texts from an alienator to a Target parent shed light into what the alienator subconsciously thinks about himself and his own real danger he presents to the child. He wrote:
You are absolutely crazy, a bad person. You are angry and bitter. [The child] is downright scared of you. [The child] is a prisoner in your own home…don’t get mad or defensive…stop ignoring [your] deficiencies and embrace them…deeply concerned at the prospects of your current mental state…Is something wrong that I don’t know about? You do need help! Holy Shit!…I’m very scared for the children to be in your custody…I’m going to do everything in my power to make you undergo psychological evaluation to confirm you are fit to have the children. I really do not think you are [fit to have the children]…I am very sad for the kids…scared for their well-being…I feel very sad for [the child] to continually suffer at he hands of your actions…I am very sad the kids are continually being adversely impacted…[you are] immature…[a] joke…manipulative…petty…There will come a day when the kids’ opinions will matter. You are not going to like that day. Personally, I can’t wait for that day. You are having a hard time differentiating between your feelings and the right of the kids to have their own feelings. You need to talk to someone with whom you can be totally honest.
- Rationalization: “A lie that is intended to seem plausible.” The alienator will rationalize to defend their own behavior…and attempt to convince themselves and others that they did nothing wrong. It can also be used to make the Target parent’s behavior look bad.
- Holier Than Thou: The child is exposed to the alienating parent’s particularly self-righteous hatred for the other parent. Children are particularly suggestible to this tactic.
- The “Truth” : Alienators (and cult leaders alike) will talk about “the truth” repeatedly, which is code for their own distorted sense of reality. The child who is being brainwashed will have heard the alienator’s description of ‘the truth’ so many times, that if the child is interviewed by a court professional about whether or not he/she was coached, the child will proclaim that the parent only said for him/her to tell the truth!
- Overindulgence: Gifts, extra privileges, not expecting the child to partake in age appropriate responsibilities are all ways for the alienator to “avoid rejection of the child,” “counteract the malevolent associations built up by the programmer,” “cement the children’s alliance with them while furthering the alienation from the target parent.” This tactic is particularly effective if the child is kept from enjoying time with the Target Parent. One way to ensure that is for the alienator not to pay child support (if otherwise expected) so that the Target Parent is unable to afford the same quality of life.
- Encroachment: This tactic is something that is done while the Target parent still has custodial time with the child. The alienator will ‘encroach’ on this time in order to ensure that the brainwashing efforts are not diminished. The alienator will call the child multiple times and keep the child on the phone for lengthy conversations during this custodial time.
- Cloak and Dagger: This tactic is employed once the alienator is more confident in the child’s loyalty. The alienator will “instruct the children to keep secrets, to spy, and to report back to the other parent…An element of excitement accompanies such collusion and appeals to children of all ages.” The child may be asked to break into the Target Parent’s email, particularly to find communication between the Target Parent and a new boyfriend or girlfriend and then to deliver it back to the other parent.
- Cognitive Dissonance: The more the child behaves in a rejecting, hateful way to the Target Parent, the more the child needs to confirm that he truly feels hatred for the Target Parent. In general, people want to have their behaviors and thoughts/feelings match.
- Conspiracy: The alienator’s parents, siblings, and close family friends collectively put enormous pressure on the child to maintain loyalty only to the alienator and to reject the other parent.
- Tamper Resistant Packaging: A way to confirm and solidify that the child is brainwashed and will remain so going forward, the alienator will tell the child ‘signs’ to look for that in fact the other parent will try to brainwash the child. The alienator will tell the child that if the Target Parent tries to tell you certain things, i.e., rational messages that counter the brainwashing, then the child feels as though the alienator must be right because they knew ahead of time that the Target parent would try to ‘manipulate’ him/her.
You are all in this together!
Dr. Craig Childress writes…
“To targeted parents:You cannot do this alone.
Unless we solve “parental alienation” for everyone, we can solve it for no one. You are all in this together. There can be no solution to any individual family situation until we achieve a solution for ALL families experiencing parental alienation.
You must come together to fight for all of your children.
The child is in a very dangerous psychological situation with the narcissistic/(borderline) parent. You, of all people, should know this.
But now, following the divorce, the child is alone with the narcissistic/(borderline) parent. You escaped the pathology of the other parent by divorcing this parent, but the child is still trapped.
If the child shows any bonding toward you, any kindness toward you, or is even simply not being rejecting enough of you, not being sufficiently hostile and demeaning toward you, then the child faces the fierce psychological retaliation of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent.”What can we do? Read this article. Care. Share what you know. Get involved. Speak up. Bring attention to this tragic form of child abuse.
I often receive phone calls and emails from targeted parents asking for my help. I’d like to take this opportunity to respond to targeted parents regarding your situation.
To targeted parents:
You cannot do this alone.
Unless we solve “parental alienation” for everyone, we can solve it for no one. You are all in this together. There can be no solution to any individual family situation until we achieve a solution for ALL families experiencing parental alienation.
No solution exists under the Gardnerian PAS model. The Gardnerial paradigm has been available for 30 years and it has given us exactly the current situation we have now. Until the paradigm shifts from a Gardnerian PAS model to an attachment-based model, no solution to your individual family struggle will be available. There is nothing you can do.
Once the paradigm shifts from a Gardnerian PAS model to an attachment-based model, the…
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Waiting 4 Ethan 